I am a member of a couple of online boards, one for August mommies (which I have formed wonderful friendships through) and one for those experiencing infertility that I became a member of when we started our journey to parenthood. This board has provided me so much support, information, and advice through the last 2 years, and I have been blessed to be able to turn around and support others in the same way. Today I happened to hop over there, I don't visit it much, and this post was waiting on me....I wanted to share because it really touched me.
"One of my guilty pleasures is surfing Reddit. I don't mind that I'm loitering virtually with people who seem to be predominantly 20-something year old males who play video games. There are also older people who post, and many of them are parents.
I stumbled across this picture:
The caption says: "A little break from our crying child. Once I took this picture I teared up with the realization of what my wife was going through."
I was really moved by the emotion of the photo. It brought me right back to the early days when DS was a baby, and he wasn't sleeping, seemed to be crying all the time, and I had no idea what I was doing. Everything in the picture, from the mom with the unwashed hair still in her pajamas, the unmade bed, the pile of tiny baby clothes, lovingly folded but with no time to put it away, illustrates perfectly how such a tender, beautiful time as when we welcome a sweet child into our home, can be accompanied by such frustration, weariness, overwhelming anxiety, and yes I'll say it, pain.
When we search for photos of motherhood, we are treated by saccharine pictures of perfectly coiffed mothers, tenderly holding their clean little bundles of joy. I think this picture should also come up on a search, because people need to know that babies can also drive us to our limits and make us want to scream. I think this picture still shows the heart of motherhood, because after this picture was taken, that poor tired mother got off the floor, and went back to her child, picked him up, and told him that she loved him. THAT is love. I wish more people knew it. Maybe then new motherhood would not shock us so much, and we would be better prepared for it.
The photographer (the dad) wrote about how he took the picture.
"Possibly the most powerful picture I have ever taken. I came home from work and gave my wife a surprise snack from McDonalds. She proceeded to sit on the floor next to the bed and snack. I thought it was funny and cute so I took a quick picture. What came next hit me like a train. She told me that our son has been crying the entire day and would refuse to let her put him down. She cried too, and prayed things would get better. They didn't. She told me she hit rock bottom that day and even contemplated ignoring him and the leaving the house out of frustration. I had no idea how powerful this picture would be: her exhaustion is obvious, staring off into space not even thinking about the french fries she was eating. Just taking the break to think about nothing, waiting for our son to wake up again in maybe 20 minutes. The unfinished laundry on the bed taking up the only space to even sit comfortably. The presence of our child in the crib just waiting to explode and wake up screaming again. I love my wife and how great of a mother she has been. And I have a new perspective of what my mother must have gone through raising six children, all close in age. [edit] for those of you who are curious. It was taken with a d7000 and a 50 mm 1.8. If you like my work, please feel free to check out my flickr ; http://www.flickr.com/photos/67003213@N08/"
If you are interested, here are the comments that went along with the photo:
http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/1q7ztx/a_little_break_from_our_crying _child_once_i_took/ "
I remember when we brought Finn home (you know, because it was SO long ago). I knew that it would be hard. I knew we'd be sleep deprived. But I had NO idea how hard or sleep deprived we would be or how quickly the mommy guilt would begin. It's no wonder the rate of postpartum depression is so high, the expectations on new moms is astronomical. I can honestly tell you in the first two months I had had multiple breakdowns daily over the fact that my body wasn't what I wanted or thought it should be, that my house wasn't clean, dishes washed, and laundry done, and that I wasn't breastfeeding. The breastfeeding guilt was the absolute worst thing I've ever felt. It wasn't that I couldn't do it, physically I could, he just wouldn't. And it wasn't that we couldn't work with him and try to get him back to it, we could, but it was a battle that I didn't think was worth the fight and for that I felt guilty. I was obviously a bad, selfish mother for choosing my own sanity, emotions, and relationship with my newborn over what was best for him. This is what I thought, but what is even more worrisome was that even when I got over this, I still felt guilty. Why? Because I was so concerned about what everyone else would think. How sad that this is what mothers are going through? It's not bad enough that hormones are running rampant, you're running on a few hours of sleep (if you're lucky), and battling guilt for so many other issues but now you have to be worried about what OTHER people think?
I felt guilty every night I was awake with him, tired, and unable to get him to sleep that I was frustrated and at times mad. And every morning I woke up feeling like the most horrible parent in the world. Who feels this way toward their own child? Especially one that they worked so hard and so long to have.
It is now 3 months later and I have resorted to the mind set that my dishes/laundry/cleaning/etc will all be there when he's older and right now I want to spend my days, nights, and free time cuddling and playing with my baby. But this was a hard decision to come to and is a battle I fight every day when I try to find clean clothes to wear or a spoon to stir my coffee with (or to find coffee to make for that matter, because let's face it the groceries aren't exactly well stocked either). I can tell you that in the 3 months since having him my hair has been out of a ponytail/bun twice and once was for his newborn pictures. I rarely do anything more to myself than throw on a t-shirt, pj pants, throw my hair up and go. Poor Ellis is stuck living with this wreck of a woman, and that's something else I feel guilty about...he deserves to still have a wife that puts effort into herself.
I guess my issue is, why aren't these things talked about? Why do we feel the need to sweep them under the rug? I feel incredibly blessed that we have such a wonderful baby who values his sleep at night and is relatively happy throughout the day. I can't imagine what mothers of colicky babies or babies with health problems go through. Where are the supports for these mothers? Why aren't they readily available and offered? I have been very fortunate to have my August mommy group. We all went through these things together and were there to support each other. I honestly don't know where I'd be without them.
OK, I'll step off my soap box now. It's funny, I was telling Ellis how since we got pregnant there were no serious posts here...no more!
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