"Despite the fact that nearly 10 percent of U.S. couples struggle with some degree of infertility, the inability to conceive can be isolating and downright depressing."
It's true, I've felt so guilty about how I've been feeling lately. I've been so down and have felt so defeated. It has seemed like for every bit of relatively good news we get, there's something else waiting just around the corner to knock us down. In complete honesty, I feel like God has been annoyingly silent in our lives the past few months. I've felt so ashamed to think this way, have beat myself up for it, and convinced myself that maybe this is why this was all happening, it's not. The fact is, it happens, to everyone. I feel like God placed this enormous hurdle in our path and then just walked away. Now before you send throngs of ministers our way, I don't suddenly think that God has maliciously turned his back on us. I know there's a reason for how things are playing out. However, that knowledge doesn't make this any easier and doesn't make me any less angry and frustrated.
That said, after an extremely overwhelming day of genetic counseling, I came home to a book that I ordered almost 2 weeks ago, that shouldn't have been delivered until the next day. Having spent my morning having numbers and statistics thrown at me about our likelihood of passing on genetic abnormalities or how just the process of IVF in itself has been shown to increase risk of some major birth defects or that the only way to rule out Cystic Fibrosis completely from our equation would require a three thousand dollar blood test, I spent the next 2 hours at the library and online researching. After Ellis sounded about as concerned with the numbers we were given as I felt, I needed something happy to bring to the conversation we were going to have to have, do we spend the money or take the chance? And what about the other issues that were brought up? So, after all of this, I chose to look at this book as a Godsend. I sat and read 85 pages in the first sitting and went to bed feeling so much better about our situation and how I've been feeling.
Since learning that IVF is our only option I've been trying to find some sort of support from others who are dealing with or have dealt with the same thing. And have had a hard time finding someone or someplace relatable to me and our situation. To be honest, the whole process of trying to find some place to go to feel better has left me feeling more discouraged, until this book arrived. Not only is this a step by step of what to expect throughout the IVF process, it's kind of a guide to dealing with every aspect of being in this place, finances, emotional support, etc. So many of the people I've found on boards online are well into their treatments (5+) but this book is FULL of stories of couples who had successful treatments the first, second or third try. And, in fact, points out the fact that in relatively healthy women it normally only takes 1-3 cycles. It's also full of sentences like these:
"A woman who can't conceive tends to be very focused on the goal. It can feel like war. It can fee like life or death."
"One of the most painful issues IVFers grapple with is the sense that maybe they're responsible for their infertility problems because they're simply not hopeful enough."
"The only way negative thinking can impact your treatment is if you give up prematurely."
Finally, someone gets it! Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing husband who does listen to me when I get down and is going through this with me but the fact that he is a man and isn't much of a worrier to begin with, it's difficult for him to understand what exactly I'm going through. And I know that once we're actually in the process of treatment it will become that much more difficult for him to relate.
I guess the moral is that if I hear "stay positive" or "just pray about it and it'll all work out" one more time I think I might just poke someone's eye out. Sorry, but it's true!
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