First, I had a birthday, not really as big a deal at 28 as it is at, say...16, 18, 21... Mostly just another day. I can officially say that I am no longer confused why everyone talks about 30 being full of introspection and re-evaluation. I'm still two years away from it and I'm already starting!
I'm also growing tired of all of the doctors telling me that it's OK because I'm still so young. Huh?! I don't feel young, I feel like as every single day passes my chances at a family slowly dwindle. Now I'm completely aware of how incredibly ridiculous this sounds but it's still how I feel. I have to convince myself daily that it could all turn around in a week, or a month, or...who knows!
Second, I had two major job interviews (one of which was actually ON my birthday). Both went insanely well, unfortunately one found someone better and the other.....well what a story that is!
It was fabulous! They were walking me around the office, sending me benefits information to look over, and outright telling me that pending a background check (that we both knew would show absolutely nothing), I was their girl. On top of this...the pay was more than I was expecting, possibly free grad school, AND their health insurance would cover three IVF cycles per live birth! That's right....basically free IVF!! Hallelujah, this was it. All of the waiting and "not interested"s was leading to this. It was like I could see God saying, here it is...here's what I've been holding out on you for.
So I had to wait for the job posting to close (2 weeks) and then for the background/supervisor to return from vacation (another 2 weeks, along which I was told multiple times that I was still their girl). Only to get a call saying that since the state hadn't balanced the budget (something to the tune of $70 million) there would be no funding for this position. **crickets** That's exactly what was going on in my head...just silence. I just didn't even know what to think or where to begin processing all of the thoughts, emotions, and shattered plans in my head.
Once again, I felt like God had deserted me. Again, I felt like the butt of some horrible joke. After months of ups and downs and "maybe this is the solution", I had officially grown tired of being teased, and I was PISSED!
I spent the rest of the week pretty much in bed/on the couch being angry and upset, although being sick helped a little. Come Saturday, Ellis and I were both so on edge that all it took was one little push and the entire day turned into angry ranting from both of us. I'm upset because if I could just find a job so many of our troubles would be handled and we'd finally be on some path to the baby/IVF thing, as opposed to sitting on the sidelines waiting for some miracle to happen for us. Ellis is upset because he had this picture in his head of what his life would be like by now and none of it's happened. Basically we were just flat out angry at God and wanted nothing more to do with Him. He had let us both down. Where was this wonderful, loving, merciful God at, while we sat and suffered? Why did He keep insisting on dangling wonderful things in front of us only to pull them out of reach at the last possible moment. I just didn't get it!
And then I realized. It's not God, it's us. We're both so focused on what we want and a place in our lives that we want to get to, that we're completely missing what we have and what's going on right now! I've been so caught up with my plans that I've failed to see that God has his own. OK so I haven't failed to see, it's just REALLY hard to accept that God's plan would involve all that we've been through the past year.
Although, I still get angry and frustrated I'm beginning to see that the things Ellis and I have been so stressed, upset, and angry about are all things that we cannot control. We've done just about all we can up to this point and we've both been unable to relinquish the control that we think we have to God and let Him take care of it and just guide us where we need to be to get us there. I know so many of our family and friends are praying for us, and as comforting as that is, we both need to reestablish the open dialogue on our own behalves.
We both need to change our perspectives and stop seeing the obstacles that have been placed in front of us as something to be angry about, but something to overcome together and grow/learn from. I read this on Monday, two days after our complete couples breakdown, on an app I have (who knew the iPhone would be THIS helpful?!):
"Welcome problems as perspective-lifters. My children tend to sleepwalk through their days until they bump into an obstacle that stymies them. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to that situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble. Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem altogether. Turn toward Me, and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you."
I know I've said in the past how utterly defeated and broken I have felt....but maybe that's God's intention. Maybe I've gotten so built up by the wrong ideas and expectations that He has to break me down to nothing and start over. I know that sounds a little old school preachy but it's what I know and it's whats getting me through....
On a MUCH happier note...
We were fortunate enough to spend the last two weeks of March visiting family, enjoy some pics:
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| We got to spend a birthday with one of our fabulous nieces! |
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| She's pretty crazy! |
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| We also got to meet our pretty handsome nephew! |
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| She does like hanging with her Uncle Ellis though |
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| Later that week, we got in some beach time in FL! |
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